the pain in my ass are you
by UniqueElla
Summary: "Am I speaking to Lost and Found?" "Yes. Shape and size of lost item?" "A short twenty-four year old female, answers to 'most annoying person on the face of the planet', has a broken sound switch and carries a positive pregnancy test."


_**Hey guys, here's a short one-shot thingy that I wrote. I thought that a dialogue fic would be good for improving my bantering skills, but it's kind of OOC (Paul and dialogue don't really mix that well). Just something to pass the time while I get the next chapter of "Lost in You" done. I hope you enjoy!**_

"You're _such_ an asshole."

"Just be glad I came to pick you up."

"Considering you were the one who left me here in the first place, I don't think you're deserving of any gratitude."

"…Right."

"I honestly didn't expect you to freak out like that."

"I didn't _freak out_."

(scoffs) "Pfft, yeah, right. You caught glimpse of the two pink lines and _literally_ ran for your life."

"…I was merely disgusted that you would so carelessly hand me something that you _peed on_."

"Ah, yes, it's always hygiene first for you, right?"

"Exactly."

"Mm-hmm…"

"Dawn, I've been thinking and I-"

"If you're about to break up with me and leave me a single mother-to-be, then at least have the decency to buy me some ice cream first. I think I'm entitled to it after the shit you pulled today."

"I'm not breaking- hey, ice cream contains an insane amount of sugar, you know."

"And?"

"What you eat doesn't affect just you anymore, so perhaps it's time to cut back on the junk food a little, don't you think?"

"Boo, you hypocrite. Calling me inconsiderate towards the health of my child is rich coming from a grown man who left his pregnant girlfriend to search for her phone in the Lost and Found all by herself."

"…You picked the wrong moment to drop the pregnancy test from the pocket of your coat."

"Are you saying there's a _right_ moment to do that?"

"It… it was bad timing on your part."

"It's not like I did it on purpose, you _ass_. Hello, one scoop of lemon ice-cream, one scoop pineapple and two scoops chocolate with whipped cream, caramel syrup and sprinkles on top, please."

"…Gross."

"Oh, and grumpy sourpuss here is paying."

"Troublesome. Why were you even keeping it in your coat? It's a stick _that you peed on_."

"Ugh, you're such a Monica Geller. I was planning to tell you tonight over dinner, okay?"

"Over dinner at Reggie's? Tch, moron."

…

"Paul, why did you run away?"

"…Okay, so I freaked out _a little_."

"That's the understatement of the century. So, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you leaving me?"

" _What?!"_

"Listen, Paul, I know it's unexpected, I was shocked too… I understand that you're not ready for this, but what's done is done and if you want out-"

"No."

"Maybe you need time to think it over and-"

" _No_. Can you shut up now?"

"…Do you really think we're ready to be parents?"

"Ready or not, you said it: what's done is done. It's a bit earlier than what I had calculated, but it was going to happen eventually and besides-"

"Hold on, hold on. So you're telling me that you actually _made calculations_ about when we were going to have kids?"

"Yes. Among other things."

" _Among other things?"_

"Are you that surprised?"

"Uh, yes? Hello, is that even Paul Shinji that I'm talking to? When we first started going out you'd nearly pass out every time my mother would start dropping hints and questions about our future."

"That was three years ago."

"And at the mature age of twenty-four it's time to have your whole life figured out, laminated and organized in a neat list of pre-planned children, of course."

"Shut up for a second, will you? Why the hell would you think that I'm leaving you?"

"Sheesh. I really worry about the manners this child is going to pick up from you. Look, you've been acting pretty weird lately, even before you knew about the baby."

"It's not what you're thinking at all, I can assure you. Annoying."

"Then why have you been acting so constipated all the time?"

(takes a deep breath) "Listen, Dawn, I've been thinking and-"

"Uh-oh, Paul thinking. That can't be good."

"- _and_ I think it's time that you and I-"

(cellphone rings)

"...What, Reggie? Honestly, this couldn't have waited until tonight? Yes, you're interrupting something, you dimwit. You're going to see us literally an hour from now. Later, idiot."

"What'd he say?"

"He has a new set of spatulas."

"Well, if that isn't vital information."

"They're limited edition or something."

"Are you sure that you two share the same DNA?"

"Unfortunately, yes. The things he deems important enough to share with me wreak havoc on my brain."

"Cut the guy some slack. He's been lonely ever since you moved out. Maybe phone calls like this are his way of reminding you to call him from time to time too."

"I hardly see how his new kitchenware is a sign of loneliness."

"Perhaps you'll believe me when he gets a third cat. The process for which I think is already underway."

"Can we stop talking about Reggie for a second? As I was saying, I think it's time that-"

"Do you think he's made lasagna again?"

"For God's sake, Dawn, I'm trying to ask you something here."

(sighs) "Right, right. You know, I honestly thought that when you ran away today you went and returned that velvet box you've been carrying around for the past two weeks. Apparently, you didn't."

"… _You knew?!"_

(laughs) "You haven't been very stealthy about it, Paul. By the way, the jeweler called a few days ago to ask how the proposal had gone and I picked up by accident. We had a good laugh about it."

(grits teeth) "That bastard…"

"To his credit, upon realizing his mistake he tried to convince me that you had requested an engraved bracelet for your brother."

"How pathetic."

"Well, you can't blame him for assuming you'd have asked me by now. He said you bought the ring a _month_ ago. Naturally, I thought you'd changed your mind when you saw the pregnancy test."

"I was… I was waiting for the right moment."

"You're such a wuss."

(glares) "I was planning to propose tonight at Reggie's."

"Oh, so you think that it's a lame place and time to announce a pregnancy, but it's a perfectly fine setting to propose marriage?"

"Technically, I made my plan long before you did, so in a way I had dibs on tonight's dinner."

"…Well, if both of our plans had actually gone as expected, your poor unsuspecting brother would have passed out right there on the dining table."

"Hn. He's less annoying when he's unconscious."

"We could have drawn penises on his face."

"A missed opportunity, no doubt." (snorts) "To think that you're going to be a mother. Are you going to draw penises on the baby's face while it's asleep?"

"Shut up. And my answer is yes, by the way."

"If you honestly believe that I'd let you do something like this to _my_ child-"

" _Yes_ , I'll marry you, you idiot."

"Oh. But I didn't even get a chance to propose _properly_."

"You and your propriety are going to be the death of me. I'm saying yes, isn't that what's important?"

"Well, yes. I think Reggie will be disappointed to have missed this, though."

"Oh, well, we could do the whole sappy speech and you on your knee thing at dinner tonight if you insist. I'll act surprised, I promise."

"You better."

"Let me see the ring though, I wanna know what kind of taste in jewelry you have before I tie myself down with you for good."

"Funny. What are we going to name the baby?"

"Jeez, Paul, we don't even know the gender yet. Slow down a little. Ow."

"Are you alright? Do you need to lie down? Is it the baby, did it kick?"

"The baby is barely an inch tall, I think it's a tad early for it to be kicking. It's just my ass that's hurting. Ow."

"You made a verbal complaint about your _ass_?"

"You sit on that goddamn bench in the Lost and Found for three hours, let's see how _your_ backside likes it."

"…Today has been a very strange day."

(sighs) "Agreed. I want more ice cream."

"Absolutely not."

"Ugh, the pain in my ass are you."

"Yeah." (smirks) "For the rest of your life."

…

"We never did find my phone, did we?"


End file.
